19 January 2016

Me.

I was visiting with a friend the other day and she was saying how she feels so much like her old self again. Back to normal, more her! She recently went back to work part-time and I am so happy that she is happy, but as I mulled over her words the last couple of days, I realized I'm not sure what I feel like... I get more sleep now and even let my kiddos have a movie date every now and then (exhibit A: Dolphin Tale above), our laundry and dishes benefit from the fact that I am functioning with more sleep, I never could let those cuties cry themselves to sleep, which meant it was years before I got consistent rest. I have more opportunities to bake, I've discovered there is pretty much nothing I do not love throwing in a brownie box mix, and I've even been contemplating going back to work in some capacity. But, to be honest I don't have a work that would be easily available to go back to. That leads to me feeling pretty crappy about my theatre major choice, wondering why I didn't do something different, or why didn't I just stick with one of my legit jobs that could have turned into a real career!?! Something I could actually go back to. I don't know why, I don't have an answer. I think regret without change just sucks, and I am thankful to not have any regret about these past 5 1/2 years of holding and snuggling and getting eye wrinkles because life has just not been about me. But, if I am completely honest, I do feel regretful about my lack of career pre-babies. I don't want to be self deprecating, and I don't really want to surge on and pursue some hardcore career path either, I just want to trust that ALL of my weird choices, 5 colleges and a smattering of jobs and a move here and there, that they all will work together for good. That they have purpose. I most definitely cannot trust in myself about that. Because, as much as I was curious about what being more me would look like, I am reminded that it is most definitely not about me. It's okay if I'm not more like my old self, I don't think that is a bad expression and I am thrilled for the girls who do get their groove back, but the truth is, I've changed. A lot, and I am okay with that. Super okay and excited to see what this stage brings. I am hopeful that this blog that has been with me through highs and lows, joys and sorrows, will help me sort out my thoughts, purge some of the posts swimming in my head and be a journal to celebrate and follow this journey of God's plan. 
As I was reading about Paul in my Beth Moore devotional this morning (Book: Paul 90 Days on his Journey of Faith), this popped out to me 
"Nothing in the young man's life would be a waste unless he refused to let God use it."
I don't want to refuse, I want God to use me, all of me. 
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I don't have a plan, goals yes, but not an exact plan. But, He absolutely does, a good and perfect pull all the crap together and make it worth it plan, phew. 
It's all good. 
I had a recurring thought the last couple of weeks, God is not disappointed in you. It felt cheesy, but I made myself write it down in the first person, maybe I will start to believe it.
God is not disappointed in me. 
It's a nice feeling, isn't it?
1 John 4:16
"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him."
Have you come to know...

3 comments:

Emilie said...

Great post Nicole! I think its so easy to get discouraged when we look at what we could have been. But I know one thing I have been learning is God puts us right where we are, with our personal hopes and dreams, and he wants to use you! Have you read Jen Hatmaker's "For the Love"? It is so so good, she talks about this and she is super funny!

michelle brough said...

I love how honest this post is. We all like to question ourselves and our choices. Some of us question if we have played life to safe with our career choice? :)
You have done such a great job filling your life with joy, love, family and friends. You are amazingly talented! xo

christy said...

I came relate to every bit of this. It's like you wrote out MY thoughts and struggles! I'll be praying for you Nicole!